Character Submissions – Oneshoe’s Letter

Oneshoe the Barbarian is new to town and hoping to join the Ambassadors of Palisade as soon as possible. They had previously informed her she needed more reputation to join them so she began looking for adventures. Following her first epic adventure for the Adventurers Guild (No Qualifications Needed) she mailed in this letter for the Ambassadors’ review….

Dear Ambassadors of Palisade,

I’m writing to let you know progress has been made on my reputation! Last we spoke, you said I lacked a reputation which was needed to be an official ambassador. And that I should… uhh… go get some credibility! Well, actually, you said to get a life. Or something to give my delusional little existence some purpose outside of wasting your valuable time as political authorities.

But I know you meant credibility, so don’t worry! 

I’ve signed up with the adventuring guild No Qualifications Needed and took my first contract. Here’s a few accomplishments from that venture!

We visited a mansion without invitation and rescued an omelet pan. Everyone decided to leave through the window. After I dove through it head first. I didn’t land well but the pan took the brunt of the impact and didn’t dent, so that’s good.

There were guys on the roof who started shooting at us and we made a break for it, ending up in the safe house just fine. Except for those of us who almost died. But they didn’t, so it’s fine!

My fellow guild member and co-president of RRG(NLR)((TD)) got wounded and lost but he showed up eventually. The guards had a great description of us which is funny since it was really dark. They even knew how many nose hairs we had. I didn’t even know that! 

Oh and the lady with the tail was dying so we needed to get her to her temple-church-thingy. We were kinda wanted for theft and murder because the elf shot someone to death with an arrow and I may or may not have tried to also kill people, because of a huge misunderstanding that’s totally unfounded, so we had to get out of the district quietly.
Being wanted isn’t as fun as you’d think! 

Guards everywhere. I asked a gerbil for help but it didn’t want to talk to me. Can you believe that! They’re so oppressed. So we just road a supply wagon through the city and pretended to be carrying special hay for foreign cheese animals. 

The guards let us past. But we never delivered the hay! I just remembered. Oh dear. Well, heads up on the diplomatic incident coming your way! And remember that it’s not my fault because I had to get the contract finished. I can’t possibly stave off cheese crises and deliver a talking pan at once, can I? Is that how you do things in Palisade? Sounds exhausting.

Anyhow, the pan could talk because I remembered that those Kemlek abominations could! We wanted to go back to the guild, but we needed to find out the pan’s origins first. So we were going to ask the pan but it was really unhelpful! 

When one of the guild members tried touching it, she head butted the table really hard. She didn’t seem to have wanted to, so I tried to push the pan away. My head hurt later, so I must have too. 

The pan – named Pan! – was really loud and locked us in a mental space we couldn’t leave until he allowed us. He didn’t like porridge. He wanted an omelet. He wouldn’t tell us anything until he got one. 

I tried to give him ingredients but apparently he didn’t want JUST ingredients. I’m not even sure what ingredients ARE but everyone else did and even THEN he didn’t like them. Because Pan is a deeply unpleasant person. Thing. Abomination. 

We brought Pan with us to the market a second time so he could pick the right ingredients. The halfling kleptomaniac pretended to be really excited about eggs in a basket so we could put them in with Pan for his unattainable approval. 

Pan approved.

On our way back to the temple place thingy, we got jumped by some gang members in blue – which absolutely wouldn’t have happened if the dwarves had been there, but no, they stayed behind because they were easily recognizable and we were wanted criminals. Or something dumb like that. But it’s not surprising. Dwarves suck.

The gang hadn’t jumped us yet, per se. they were just standing there looking mean with tight shirts. And all the citizens ran into their homes or disappeared because people who treat their laundry badly can’t be trusted.
Since the gang leader in blue was going for the lady with the tail, who had Pan, we jumped them right back! You know, just before they could jump us. Which they would’ve done. Yes. 

Since they openly attacked us and we only defended our lives and absolutely nothing else.

One of them threw some nasty smoke which separated us, but we all ran through so it was a stupid idea of them, obviously. I’m sure the smell will wash out. I missed my blind swing when I came out through it and the tail lady lived, so it’s all fine. 

I was kinda set on fire and lost consciousness. The others said we won though! The guy who did the fire-setting ran away which wasn’t very nice because if you’re going to set someone on fire, you should at least stick around! Maybe it’s a Palisade thing. 
At least the other gang members stayed around. We looted them since they were dead or legless… and then dead. 

Some of my best work. The legless part. Not the looting part because I was unconscious due to fire. That should be two reputation points, in my opinion. 

But we were still wanted, so we ducked into hiding in some lady’s shop. I’m fuzzy on the details since I was mostly dead at the time. Don’t worry, the nice lady with the tail fixed me up for the most part and I slept it off! Or was it someone else? I don’t know – tall people all look the same! 

Only, the ingredients we’d spent the entire time gathering were caught on fire. So there was no omelet. But Pan decided to tell us he was 200 years old and had been panning away in that mansion for 27 years! He liked my co-president and decided to offer the info up free of charge. Pans are very wishy washy.
We managed to get away ‘safely’ and then for SOME REASON everyone wanted to keep Pan but the elf lady and me.

I don’t trust Pan. It’s definitely up to something. Of course because it’s made of that defiled ‘magic’ and NOT just because he didn’t like me. Or because he told jokes I didn’t get. Or because everyone wants to listen to his advice. Or because he didn’t like my negotiation ceremony. It’s because he’s definitely a pan devising greater plans! 
I also can’t tell if he’s a him or her or it and that’s strange too. 

We voted and now Pan’s with us, I guess. But he doesn’t get voting rights.

We had to finish the contract but everyone wanted to keep Pan and we’d have to pay a lot to keep him. So we did the best thing and lied. It just took us melding down a Kemlek object and making it look like pan – without the magic. The kleptomaniac halfling and I went and told the person who gave us the contract that the pan was a pan and had been in the mansion for 27 years. He was busy looking at the halflings chest and admiring my way with words and didn’t think twice about it.

We found the real object that the contract entailed us finding and that absolutely wasn’t Pan even though it looked just like him. We turned it over and fulfilled the contract without funny business. 

So now we’re rich, are wanted for theft, arson, and multiple counts of murder – UNLAWFULLY – have a magic pan, and best of all – a boost in reputation! Be sure to make note of that. 

I shouldn’t normally tell you about the whole “lying and breaking contract” thing, since we’d probably be killed if the guild found out. But I know I can trust you guys! And I thought I’d mention it anyways since it shows how good I am with handling dicey diplomatic situations! I didn’t even use my axe. For the lying part.

I hope this letter finds you well! I look forward to joining you all as an official ambassador soon.